My Calling.

I believe everyone is born with a purpose. Not necessarily a "destiny" per say -my believe in such a concept is still debatable; but a goal, a journey, or a passion, that they are supposed to pursue. Some people have art -painting, writing, song; some people have science, or mathematics, or other things. Some people are born to be protectors, to help, to heal, to defend. I am writing today, about my own purpose.

There are only a small handful of things in this world that I know to be true -that I believe are unshakable. One of those is the divine - you don't have to believe in a higher power for there to be one. Another, is gravity (duh). Another, is myself, and certain aspects of my life. If you're detecting arrogance in that sentence, then you're reading what I say, and not what I mean. I have no delusions; I know this body is inconstant, and I am well-aware that my life is in flux. There are, specifically, two things about myself that I know to be solid, and set. One; I am supposed to be a mother. Two; I am supposed to serve my Country in the Armed Forces.

That I believe these things, specifically the latter one; bothers people. For a lot of reasons: I'm young. I'm a woman. My ex is in the Military. I didn't always want to do it (yeah, because you still want to be a pop-star like you did when you were ten, too, right?). It's dangerous. I'm liberal. I'm too feminine. I just got out of a long-term relationship, six months ago. The list goes on.

This is my response to that list. Not a defense. Not a rebuttal. I cannot change people's minds. And I am not ashamed of my choice. This is, at a base line, me telling you why.


I am a strong person. In every way. Physically, I am strong -not world-class-wrestler-strong, but definitely above average. Mentally and emotionally I am strong, determined, and secure. I know who I am, and I make no decisions about my future without great forethought.

I love this Country. I want to serve and protect her. I want to work as a part of this Country and make it better. I want to fight so that each person who reads this entry and disagrees with what I say, is still free enough to express those opinions aloud. I have been a soldier, or a warrior, in one way or another, in every lifetime and I again feel called to do it.

That's another reason -I feel called to this. It feels right. I haven't felt so sure, and so right about a decision in my life in a very long time. God has given me the go-ahead; and I am taking it. This is my calling. There is a very big part of me -something on a primal, instinctual level, that knows that this is what I should be doing.

And most importantly -above passion, above patriotism, above divine providence; is the most important reason why: Happiness. The idea of doing this, the idea of serving my Country in the Armed Forces, the idea of devoting at least a part of my life to the Military makes me happy. I know what I want to do with my life, and I love it. Just that single fact makes me so happy I could stand and shout it from the rooftops (and would do, if people wouldn't think I was crazy). It makes me happy, and that is the most important part of all of this to me. I am called to do this, and I am so excited.

And I will do it. And be amazing. The military will be lucky to have me. I will do great things.

There are two truths that I will end this with:
First. To be perfectly honest, your opinion does matter to me, so please continue to be honest with me, even in regards to this decision.

Second. Regardless of what anyone says, I won't be changing my mind. This is who I am, and what I want to do, and I am proud of it.


"Some people live an entire lifetime
And wonder if they ever made a difference in the world.
Soldiers don't have that problem."

Five-hundred, twenty-five thousand, six-hundred minutes.

This past year was one of the worst years of my life, and at the same time, one of the most incredible ones.

I got my heart broken (again), by someone who swore they'd never break it (again).
I completely lost my sense of self.
I embodied almost everything I never wanted to be.

And then I found myself again (with the help of some amazing people).
I stood on my own two feet again.
I healed (still healing, really).

I learned so much about myself in the last year. I learned how much pain I can survive, and just how much strength I really have. I learned that faith, and trust, aren't feelings -they're choices. And forgiveness is, too. I learned that strength is so hard, and that it still hurts, but heartbreak helps make us who we are. I learned that the people I love have a lot more faith in me than I give them credit for. I learned that having a sense of spirituality, and some sort of belief, really does help. That it doesn't matter what you believe in, as long as you believe.

I learned that virtually nothing cheers me up like blasting the RENT soundtrack with the windows down on a meandering car ride.

I learned (am still learning) to put trust before fear.

I learned to pray.

I learned that some friendships are worth more than you realize, and that they're worth hanging on to through the storms.

I am a far better person than I give myself credit for. But I have the capacity to be so much more than that.


And in this new year, I will strive to be all that I can be. To love people without fear or reservations. To trust. To be compassionate, and strong, and reliable. To be honorable.

"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." --Dorothy Thompson

When I was a kid, my Mom used to tell me, whenever I'd be scared, or worried, "Worry is just God's way of telling you to pray." I used to resent this more than I can possibly describe, because I couldn't possibly imagine why a God who loved us would want us to be scared, or worried. I didn't understand that God knows us. He knows how we, as human beings, react to fear, or worry.

I know now, that worry and fear are not just things that are in my life as stumbling blocks, but as tools. For most of my life, I have been a classic example of the prodigal son -living my life the way that I pleased, and not caring about the consequences until it was too late. I have had many great things in the short span of my twenty years, and with almost all of those gifts, I took them for granted, and turned my back on God, in favor of those earthly things -including my gift of Foresight, and my gift of Empathy -two things that I placed ahead of God, along with my partners and friends.

While I firmly believe that your friends, family, lovers, teachers, and companions should be a big, and important part of your life, I have learned, over the years, that you can't place anything higher in your life than you place God. Your relationship with God (the Christian God, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, etc) -with your God, should be the first and foremost thing in your life. And God has showed me that over the course of my life, more times than I can count. When I felt abandoned by everything else in my life -my family, my friends, my lover, my job, even my computer; God was there, and He picked me up again, set me on my feet, and held my hand while I cried.

Never in my life before now, have I ever been comforted by typical Christian sayings like "Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for your sins," and "God loves you, just the way you are." But there are days when I spend almost every free moment questioning my worth, and feeling like I couldn't possibly be a decent human being. And out of the blue, I hear my own internal voice say "It doesn't matter what he thinks of you, because the Creator of the Universe thinks you're worth it." And while it doesn't make me feel one-hundred percent better, it helps on a level that it's never helped before.

I am at a place in my life right now that I never thought I would be at. All of my faiths are in balance, and comfortable. My Unitarian, Christian, and Pagan beliefs are all balanced and I no longer fear that my God will abandon me just because I am not a typical Christian. I pray regularly, -although sometimes not as often as I should- and I feel like my life is heading in an upwards direction, even when I am feeling down. But still I fear, and that's why I'm writing this today -to ponder; why am I afraid?

I am afraid for reasons involving trust. This will come as no surprise to anyone, I'm sure, but I have a hard time trusting people -myself included. I am afraid that I will make mistakes, and get in my own way. Even more than that, I am afraid that I am wrong about some of the decisions I have made, no matter how right they feel. And it is not only a matter of trusting myself, which is hard enough, but also a matter of trusting God to take care of me when I cannot, and to keep me from twisting my life into an ugly knot again.

Trust is a lesson subject that comes up in my life often, as it's something that I'm always having trouble with. It was a problem in my last relationship, and, while it's not as big of one, it remains a problem now, in my relationship with God. If you cannot completely trust the Creator of the Universe -who can you trust? So how do you put trust before fear?

I'm learning, slowly but surely. There isn't a formula, there aren't set steps to learning how to do it -or how to do anything, for that matter. Life doesn't work that way. The most important thing is your will to do it. If you want to do something bad enough, you will do it -no matter how scared your are, or what other things stand in your way. You will either do it, or you will try your damnedest to do it. And I'm learning that that's what I need to apply to my life to learn to put trust before fear. Not just in my relationship with God, but in my relationships, period.

I was praying, this evening, on my walk home from work, and I said "Lord, I feel like every time I decide to trust you, no matter how scared I am, something comes up again that scares me, and I have to do it one more time." And that's the key -just keep trying. I feel, sometimes, like I'm not getting anywhere, but I know that isn't true, I'm just moving in such small steps, and God is using each and every one of them to teach me a new lesson.

So I am learning, slowly but surely, to say "I am scared, but I'm trusting You to get me through this, and not let me fall."

An Introduction of sorts.

I never know what to write here. For introductions, I mean.

One of the large reasons why I don't start new blogs/journals often, is because I have such an incredibly hard time keeping up with them. I'm going to do my best to keep up with this one as well. It'll be mostly one of those "family safe" blogs. So every one can keep up with how I'm doing, and how things are going in my life, and on my trips, without having to sift through the the angsty drama, rantings, and descriptions of my various escapades. This blog will also be a place where I discuss my spiritual journey and my walk with Christ/my beliefs in other areas related to metaphysics/spirituality.

In this blog, you'll likely find such things as summary of daily life, work, and vacations -Also all sorts of deep/not-so-deep thoughts that have occurred to my throughout my various days. Often, you may stumble upon a bit of shameless self-promotion, like a link to my deviantArt gallery, featuring a particular piece of mine --writing, photography, sketches, or other miscellaneous pieces, usually (maybe even a favorite piece of mine, or two, from one of my favorite artists). You may also find yourself face-to-face with political, spiritual, or philosophical views of mine.

There is only one thing that I ask of you, family, friends, and miscellaneous readers, and that is a simple request for respect. I like to think myself an intelligent, open-minded human being, with a respect for diversity and difference of opinion. I invite you, friends, to openly discuss your beliefs or opinions, in regards to what I write here; I only ask that, should you disagree --and I welcome friendly disagreement, that you disagree respectfully. I value your thoughts and opinions, whether they are similar to, or quite different from my own. Agree, or disagree --just please do so with a respectful, and open mind, and I will do the same for you.

This seems to almost be a decent introduction. I think I will find my way to the land beyond the computer screen now, and finish doing my laundry, so that I may pack for my upcoming trip to Albuquerque.

Till next we meet, dear readers.