The first steps.

3/3/09-
Reflection and Prayer.
A desire for God, above all else; and if I can still desire worldly things.
Trust, faith, love, courage, and other things I need to learn from God.


Today, I spent a lot of time deep in thought, trying to convince myself to not fall into that same vicious cycle that I always do. Control, or rather, the illusion of control, is something that I really struggle with giving up. I can't stand the idea that I may not be 100% in control of my destiny. The idea that there is something, even an all-loving God, who has control of my life, instead of me, is a very difficult thing to accept.

But I am learning, I hope. My desire to be with God, and have a relationship with Him is gradually overpowering my need and my desire, to have control. I can only hope and pray that it will continue to be that way and that I, in all my humanity, won't screw it up again.

Today is March 3.

Psalm 3 says:

"O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me
'God will not deliver [her].'

But you are a shield around me, O lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
And he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people."


Proverbs 3:3 says :

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart."

I don't know if this means "love" the emotion, or "Love" as in God. But if ever there were something I wanted to be completely faithful to, He is it. God. Love.

I am only human, though. And in that, I an innately imperfect. Even for a human being I am flawed. I am selfish, proud, easily discouraged and distracted. I judge, I fail, and I, often directly disobey God's directions to me, because I am under some delusion that I know better. But more than anything, I want to love Him, and be loved by Him.

Brennan Manning, in his book "The Raggamuffin Gospel" has this (and so much more) to say about God's grace, and his love:
"Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together. And who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace."

That short paragraph describes me in a nut shell. Spiritually, I am still a child. No matter how much I have grown or matured in the last eight months. I am still learning the basics of "trusting God" and "it is in His hands." I am still learning to hand my sorrows and troubles and fears over to God.

2 Timothy 1:7 says:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind."

I am stronger in God, than I will ever be on my own. All my grace, all my courage, my beauty, my charisma, my talent, my compassion, my bravery -it all comes from Him.

What Brennan Manning says reminds me that no matter how much I fuck up -and I do. Often. That God loves me. And wants to be with me. Even as I am now.

Tiffany told me, a couple of months ago, that I needed to let God show me what I needed from a relationship, and how I deserved to be treated. And how to love, and trust, and have faith, again. I need to learn that from Him, before I learn it anywhere else. Someday, I hope to have a healthy, loving, trusting, romantic relationship again -maybe even with Preston, if that's what God has in store for me. --And that's it, right there! "If that's what God has in store for me" !

Earth desires are fine. They just need to have their place (which I'm working on). I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until I have a healthy relationship with God. And that has to remain my priority. I sincerely pray that I don't hurt my relationship with God the way I hurt my other relationships.


On that note, I will end with prayers.

For myself- to grow, be stronger in my faith and in myself. To keep my eyes on God and to move forward.

For Luke- to grow, and learn, and be happy.

For Preston- to get his life straightened out, to find favor in the eyes of his professors and do well, to be content, and to be happy.

For Michelle- to keep growing and walking on the path that He has set out for her. And to be exceptionally happy; not just in worldly things, but in the Joy that He is with her.