Of His grace and love.

I have found that I don't have enough wonder, at the power and grace of the Lord.

There is a strength and beauty that is evident in even the smallest flower. His grace is evident in everything. From the bright daffodils blooming on the sidewalk, withstanding the late-winter wind, to something as majestic as a thousand year-old oak three. And so rarely do I ever stop to notice. It is an interesting fact, I think. How rarely I take time to stop and appreciate the glory found in the world that God has created.

God can, and does, do so much in the world. In our lives. And we so rarely give Him credit for it.

I am a good person, I think. I try hard to be compassionate, kind, loving, understanding, and forgiving. Some people call be strong, or wise.

All of those things I have, I gained from God. Everything that I am, everything good about me, is there because God decided it for me. And blessed me with it. All of my strength, my passion, my drive, my compassion, my kindness- all of it was gifted to me by my heavenly Father.

I am learning that there is no "without God." He is there with us, every moment or every day, whether we want Him to, or not. He is with us, at all times, standing next to us, holding our hands, and offering us shelter.

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you,
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."



Because, no matter what we do, or think, or say- he loves us. A never-ending, un-changing, all-encompassing, un-wavering love. Which is still so mind-blowing. Our human hearts can't even begin to fathom that kind of love.

"Israel," God says, in The Ragamuffin Gospel, "don't ever be so foolish as to measure my love for you in terms of your love for me! Don't ever compare your thin, pallid, wavering, and moody love with my love, for I am God, not man."

Human love, Brennan says, will always be a faint shadow of God's love. Not because it is too sugary or sentimental, but simply because it can never compare from whence it comes. Human love, with all it's passion and emotion, is a thin echo of the passion/emotion love of Yaweh.

I said to a friend, a short time ago, that I couldn't remember what it felt like to fall in love. I remember what it feels like to be in love, but falling is just a faded memory, years past. This caused me distress, when I realized that I am putting myself in an earthly relationship where I might someday fall in love. But then I realized something: I already am falling in love. Not with Preston, but with God.

With God, I am whole. I am happy. I am safe. My heart is lighter, larger, more full, when I am with Him. My greatest desire is to make Him happy. To please Him. When I think of who I want to spend the rest of my life with, He is the first one who I think of. With no earthly commitment issues to get in the way.

I hope to someday fall in love again -in an earthly romance. Maybe even with Preston (we'll see). But that romance will always come second to God. To the one who I love more than anything, in heaven. Who loves me as I am, flaws and all. That is such an incredible feeling.

I am falling in love with God. (Not in a literally romantic sense, but you should know that by now.) More and more every day. Like a light inside of me, bursting forth- I want to shout it from the rooftops:

I love Him.

And He loves me, too.


Hell yeah.

Being a child of grace.

Yesterday w as an incredible day, for the most part. Every day I can look around and see the blessings God has bestowed on me, and i can see his hand in my life. The new people He introduces me to, the old people He brings back into my life. The tiny blessings that I sometimes overlook, like cellphones and internet -or hand-written letters. Or quiet time alone with myself and God, in a warm, sunny place.

It's kind of common-knowledge, I guess, but I'm a little behind the learning curve. I have found that the more I trust God, and the more faith I have in Him, the happier I am. I find that pressing into Him, and making myself wholly dependent on Him is really freeing, actually. I feel like I'm really learning what it means to "become like a child" in my faith.

When I was younger, I thought that it meant to have an unquestioning, straight forward, doubt-free faith. Because children are not burdened with the weight and doubt of the world. There is that, to a degree, but there is more.

Matthew 18:3-4 says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become more like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefor, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Children are innocent. But I don't think that's what God is saying when He asks us to become like children. He is saying, "become dependent on me. Let me carry your sorrows and your hurt and your fear. I will take it from you, and make you free." He is asking us to lean on Him in every way. Children are inept -at pretty much everything. They cannot do anything that really matters on their own. And, often times, when they do, they screw it up, big time.

We are like children still, only we need to really see that. Imagine a parent with a five-year old. That child is still almost completely dependent on his mother and father. But the child is always trying to do things on his own. Crossing the street, making breakfast, doing the dishes. Often times, the child gets hurt trying to do these things on his own.

We are the same way. We demonstrate the first half of our childlike nature by focusing too much on growing up and "standing on our own two feet" by saying "okay God, I'll take it from here." And still, God waits patiently for us to return again and again, until we finally realize that we can't do it alone.

"Children are our model," Brennan Manning says, "because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything, it can only be as a gift."

What we need to be, is like children. The second half of our childlike nature, is wholly dependent on our own divine parent. We cannot do it without Him. He wants to care for us, and nurture us. He wants to feed our hungry spirits help them grow and flourish into His own children. Children who come to Him with everything.

I am trying, very hard, not to screw that up, this time. In other words, whenever I want to go "fix things", I am sitting tight and unmoving, and praying my little human heart out. I feel so much freer, because of this. I love Him with all my heart. And I need Him. My hope is that I will, with His help, be able to overcome whatever is thrown my way. Because I know now that I cannot do it alone. And I am so tired of ignoring His lessons, just to satisfy my human desire to do it myself.

Albert Einstein said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." That is exactly what I have been doing, forever. Especially after Luke and I split up, eight months ago. I have a conversation with God, and, follow a similar protocol to Michelle's blog entry that I just linked. And I do this, over and over and over again, and, for some reason, I expect that maybe this time I will be able to "fix things" on my own. So I am really having to stop, sit down, shut up, and hand it over to my heavenly Father. Having to depend on Him to fix my life, and iron out the wrinkles that I, inevitably, put in the fabric of my life. To kiss my bruises and bandage my cuts and make it all better. I am having to become like a child.

I want to accept God's grace. Manning says, "acceptance means simply to turn to God."

"I mean simply that a living, loving God can and does make His presence felt, can and does speak to us in the silence of our hearts, can and does warm and caress us till we no longer doubt that He is near, that He is here."

If trusting God means giving my heart over to Him, and putting my life in His hands; then I think it is so very worth it, for the result of a relationship with endless, unconditional love and a God who will never leave, never let you down, and never make you walk alone.

The first steps.

3/3/09-
Reflection and Prayer.
A desire for God, above all else; and if I can still desire worldly things.
Trust, faith, love, courage, and other things I need to learn from God.


Today, I spent a lot of time deep in thought, trying to convince myself to not fall into that same vicious cycle that I always do. Control, or rather, the illusion of control, is something that I really struggle with giving up. I can't stand the idea that I may not be 100% in control of my destiny. The idea that there is something, even an all-loving God, who has control of my life, instead of me, is a very difficult thing to accept.

But I am learning, I hope. My desire to be with God, and have a relationship with Him is gradually overpowering my need and my desire, to have control. I can only hope and pray that it will continue to be that way and that I, in all my humanity, won't screw it up again.

Today is March 3.

Psalm 3 says:

"O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me
'God will not deliver [her].'

But you are a shield around me, O lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
And he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people."


Proverbs 3:3 says :

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart."

I don't know if this means "love" the emotion, or "Love" as in God. But if ever there were something I wanted to be completely faithful to, He is it. God. Love.

I am only human, though. And in that, I an innately imperfect. Even for a human being I am flawed. I am selfish, proud, easily discouraged and distracted. I judge, I fail, and I, often directly disobey God's directions to me, because I am under some delusion that I know better. But more than anything, I want to love Him, and be loved by Him.

Brennan Manning, in his book "The Raggamuffin Gospel" has this (and so much more) to say about God's grace, and his love:
"Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together. And who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace."

That short paragraph describes me in a nut shell. Spiritually, I am still a child. No matter how much I have grown or matured in the last eight months. I am still learning the basics of "trusting God" and "it is in His hands." I am still learning to hand my sorrows and troubles and fears over to God.

2 Timothy 1:7 says:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind."

I am stronger in God, than I will ever be on my own. All my grace, all my courage, my beauty, my charisma, my talent, my compassion, my bravery -it all comes from Him.

What Brennan Manning says reminds me that no matter how much I fuck up -and I do. Often. That God loves me. And wants to be with me. Even as I am now.

Tiffany told me, a couple of months ago, that I needed to let God show me what I needed from a relationship, and how I deserved to be treated. And how to love, and trust, and have faith, again. I need to learn that from Him, before I learn it anywhere else. Someday, I hope to have a healthy, loving, trusting, romantic relationship again -maybe even with Preston, if that's what God has in store for me. --And that's it, right there! "If that's what God has in store for me" !

Earth desires are fine. They just need to have their place (which I'm working on). I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until I have a healthy relationship with God. And that has to remain my priority. I sincerely pray that I don't hurt my relationship with God the way I hurt my other relationships.


On that note, I will end with prayers.

For myself- to grow, be stronger in my faith and in myself. To keep my eyes on God and to move forward.

For Luke- to grow, and learn, and be happy.

For Preston- to get his life straightened out, to find favor in the eyes of his professors and do well, to be content, and to be happy.

For Michelle- to keep growing and walking on the path that He has set out for her. And to be exceptionally happy; not just in worldly things, but in the Joy that He is with her.

My Calling.

I believe everyone is born with a purpose. Not necessarily a "destiny" per say -my believe in such a concept is still debatable; but a goal, a journey, or a passion, that they are supposed to pursue. Some people have art -painting, writing, song; some people have science, or mathematics, or other things. Some people are born to be protectors, to help, to heal, to defend. I am writing today, about my own purpose.

There are only a small handful of things in this world that I know to be true -that I believe are unshakable. One of those is the divine - you don't have to believe in a higher power for there to be one. Another, is gravity (duh). Another, is myself, and certain aspects of my life. If you're detecting arrogance in that sentence, then you're reading what I say, and not what I mean. I have no delusions; I know this body is inconstant, and I am well-aware that my life is in flux. There are, specifically, two things about myself that I know to be solid, and set. One; I am supposed to be a mother. Two; I am supposed to serve my Country in the Armed Forces.

That I believe these things, specifically the latter one; bothers people. For a lot of reasons: I'm young. I'm a woman. My ex is in the Military. I didn't always want to do it (yeah, because you still want to be a pop-star like you did when you were ten, too, right?). It's dangerous. I'm liberal. I'm too feminine. I just got out of a long-term relationship, six months ago. The list goes on.

This is my response to that list. Not a defense. Not a rebuttal. I cannot change people's minds. And I am not ashamed of my choice. This is, at a base line, me telling you why.


I am a strong person. In every way. Physically, I am strong -not world-class-wrestler-strong, but definitely above average. Mentally and emotionally I am strong, determined, and secure. I know who I am, and I make no decisions about my future without great forethought.

I love this Country. I want to serve and protect her. I want to work as a part of this Country and make it better. I want to fight so that each person who reads this entry and disagrees with what I say, is still free enough to express those opinions aloud. I have been a soldier, or a warrior, in one way or another, in every lifetime and I again feel called to do it.

That's another reason -I feel called to this. It feels right. I haven't felt so sure, and so right about a decision in my life in a very long time. God has given me the go-ahead; and I am taking it. This is my calling. There is a very big part of me -something on a primal, instinctual level, that knows that this is what I should be doing.

And most importantly -above passion, above patriotism, above divine providence; is the most important reason why: Happiness. The idea of doing this, the idea of serving my Country in the Armed Forces, the idea of devoting at least a part of my life to the Military makes me happy. I know what I want to do with my life, and I love it. Just that single fact makes me so happy I could stand and shout it from the rooftops (and would do, if people wouldn't think I was crazy). It makes me happy, and that is the most important part of all of this to me. I am called to do this, and I am so excited.

And I will do it. And be amazing. The military will be lucky to have me. I will do great things.

There are two truths that I will end this with:
First. To be perfectly honest, your opinion does matter to me, so please continue to be honest with me, even in regards to this decision.

Second. Regardless of what anyone says, I won't be changing my mind. This is who I am, and what I want to do, and I am proud of it.


"Some people live an entire lifetime
And wonder if they ever made a difference in the world.
Soldiers don't have that problem."

Five-hundred, twenty-five thousand, six-hundred minutes.

This past year was one of the worst years of my life, and at the same time, one of the most incredible ones.

I got my heart broken (again), by someone who swore they'd never break it (again).
I completely lost my sense of self.
I embodied almost everything I never wanted to be.

And then I found myself again (with the help of some amazing people).
I stood on my own two feet again.
I healed (still healing, really).

I learned so much about myself in the last year. I learned how much pain I can survive, and just how much strength I really have. I learned that faith, and trust, aren't feelings -they're choices. And forgiveness is, too. I learned that strength is so hard, and that it still hurts, but heartbreak helps make us who we are. I learned that the people I love have a lot more faith in me than I give them credit for. I learned that having a sense of spirituality, and some sort of belief, really does help. That it doesn't matter what you believe in, as long as you believe.

I learned that virtually nothing cheers me up like blasting the RENT soundtrack with the windows down on a meandering car ride.

I learned (am still learning) to put trust before fear.

I learned to pray.

I learned that some friendships are worth more than you realize, and that they're worth hanging on to through the storms.

I am a far better person than I give myself credit for. But I have the capacity to be so much more than that.


And in this new year, I will strive to be all that I can be. To love people without fear or reservations. To trust. To be compassionate, and strong, and reliable. To be honorable.

"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." --Dorothy Thompson

When I was a kid, my Mom used to tell me, whenever I'd be scared, or worried, "Worry is just God's way of telling you to pray." I used to resent this more than I can possibly describe, because I couldn't possibly imagine why a God who loved us would want us to be scared, or worried. I didn't understand that God knows us. He knows how we, as human beings, react to fear, or worry.

I know now, that worry and fear are not just things that are in my life as stumbling blocks, but as tools. For most of my life, I have been a classic example of the prodigal son -living my life the way that I pleased, and not caring about the consequences until it was too late. I have had many great things in the short span of my twenty years, and with almost all of those gifts, I took them for granted, and turned my back on God, in favor of those earthly things -including my gift of Foresight, and my gift of Empathy -two things that I placed ahead of God, along with my partners and friends.

While I firmly believe that your friends, family, lovers, teachers, and companions should be a big, and important part of your life, I have learned, over the years, that you can't place anything higher in your life than you place God. Your relationship with God (the Christian God, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, etc) -with your God, should be the first and foremost thing in your life. And God has showed me that over the course of my life, more times than I can count. When I felt abandoned by everything else in my life -my family, my friends, my lover, my job, even my computer; God was there, and He picked me up again, set me on my feet, and held my hand while I cried.

Never in my life before now, have I ever been comforted by typical Christian sayings like "Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for your sins," and "God loves you, just the way you are." But there are days when I spend almost every free moment questioning my worth, and feeling like I couldn't possibly be a decent human being. And out of the blue, I hear my own internal voice say "It doesn't matter what he thinks of you, because the Creator of the Universe thinks you're worth it." And while it doesn't make me feel one-hundred percent better, it helps on a level that it's never helped before.

I am at a place in my life right now that I never thought I would be at. All of my faiths are in balance, and comfortable. My Unitarian, Christian, and Pagan beliefs are all balanced and I no longer fear that my God will abandon me just because I am not a typical Christian. I pray regularly, -although sometimes not as often as I should- and I feel like my life is heading in an upwards direction, even when I am feeling down. But still I fear, and that's why I'm writing this today -to ponder; why am I afraid?

I am afraid for reasons involving trust. This will come as no surprise to anyone, I'm sure, but I have a hard time trusting people -myself included. I am afraid that I will make mistakes, and get in my own way. Even more than that, I am afraid that I am wrong about some of the decisions I have made, no matter how right they feel. And it is not only a matter of trusting myself, which is hard enough, but also a matter of trusting God to take care of me when I cannot, and to keep me from twisting my life into an ugly knot again.

Trust is a lesson subject that comes up in my life often, as it's something that I'm always having trouble with. It was a problem in my last relationship, and, while it's not as big of one, it remains a problem now, in my relationship with God. If you cannot completely trust the Creator of the Universe -who can you trust? So how do you put trust before fear?

I'm learning, slowly but surely. There isn't a formula, there aren't set steps to learning how to do it -or how to do anything, for that matter. Life doesn't work that way. The most important thing is your will to do it. If you want to do something bad enough, you will do it -no matter how scared your are, or what other things stand in your way. You will either do it, or you will try your damnedest to do it. And I'm learning that that's what I need to apply to my life to learn to put trust before fear. Not just in my relationship with God, but in my relationships, period.

I was praying, this evening, on my walk home from work, and I said "Lord, I feel like every time I decide to trust you, no matter how scared I am, something comes up again that scares me, and I have to do it one more time." And that's the key -just keep trying. I feel, sometimes, like I'm not getting anywhere, but I know that isn't true, I'm just moving in such small steps, and God is using each and every one of them to teach me a new lesson.

So I am learning, slowly but surely, to say "I am scared, but I'm trusting You to get me through this, and not let me fall."

An Introduction of sorts.

I never know what to write here. For introductions, I mean.

One of the large reasons why I don't start new blogs/journals often, is because I have such an incredibly hard time keeping up with them. I'm going to do my best to keep up with this one as well. It'll be mostly one of those "family safe" blogs. So every one can keep up with how I'm doing, and how things are going in my life, and on my trips, without having to sift through the the angsty drama, rantings, and descriptions of my various escapades. This blog will also be a place where I discuss my spiritual journey and my walk with Christ/my beliefs in other areas related to metaphysics/spirituality.

In this blog, you'll likely find such things as summary of daily life, work, and vacations -Also all sorts of deep/not-so-deep thoughts that have occurred to my throughout my various days. Often, you may stumble upon a bit of shameless self-promotion, like a link to my deviantArt gallery, featuring a particular piece of mine --writing, photography, sketches, or other miscellaneous pieces, usually (maybe even a favorite piece of mine, or two, from one of my favorite artists). You may also find yourself face-to-face with political, spiritual, or philosophical views of mine.

There is only one thing that I ask of you, family, friends, and miscellaneous readers, and that is a simple request for respect. I like to think myself an intelligent, open-minded human being, with a respect for diversity and difference of opinion. I invite you, friends, to openly discuss your beliefs or opinions, in regards to what I write here; I only ask that, should you disagree --and I welcome friendly disagreement, that you disagree respectfully. I value your thoughts and opinions, whether they are similar to, or quite different from my own. Agree, or disagree --just please do so with a respectful, and open mind, and I will do the same for you.

This seems to almost be a decent introduction. I think I will find my way to the land beyond the computer screen now, and finish doing my laundry, so that I may pack for my upcoming trip to Albuquerque.

Till next we meet, dear readers.