Of His grace and love.

I have found that I don't have enough wonder, at the power and grace of the Lord.

There is a strength and beauty that is evident in even the smallest flower. His grace is evident in everything. From the bright daffodils blooming on the sidewalk, withstanding the late-winter wind, to something as majestic as a thousand year-old oak three. And so rarely do I ever stop to notice. It is an interesting fact, I think. How rarely I take time to stop and appreciate the glory found in the world that God has created.

God can, and does, do so much in the world. In our lives. And we so rarely give Him credit for it.

I am a good person, I think. I try hard to be compassionate, kind, loving, understanding, and forgiving. Some people call be strong, or wise.

All of those things I have, I gained from God. Everything that I am, everything good about me, is there because God decided it for me. And blessed me with it. All of my strength, my passion, my drive, my compassion, my kindness- all of it was gifted to me by my heavenly Father.

I am learning that there is no "without God." He is there with us, every moment or every day, whether we want Him to, or not. He is with us, at all times, standing next to us, holding our hands, and offering us shelter.

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you,
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."



Because, no matter what we do, or think, or say- he loves us. A never-ending, un-changing, all-encompassing, un-wavering love. Which is still so mind-blowing. Our human hearts can't even begin to fathom that kind of love.

"Israel," God says, in The Ragamuffin Gospel, "don't ever be so foolish as to measure my love for you in terms of your love for me! Don't ever compare your thin, pallid, wavering, and moody love with my love, for I am God, not man."

Human love, Brennan says, will always be a faint shadow of God's love. Not because it is too sugary or sentimental, but simply because it can never compare from whence it comes. Human love, with all it's passion and emotion, is a thin echo of the passion/emotion love of Yaweh.

I said to a friend, a short time ago, that I couldn't remember what it felt like to fall in love. I remember what it feels like to be in love, but falling is just a faded memory, years past. This caused me distress, when I realized that I am putting myself in an earthly relationship where I might someday fall in love. But then I realized something: I already am falling in love. Not with Preston, but with God.

With God, I am whole. I am happy. I am safe. My heart is lighter, larger, more full, when I am with Him. My greatest desire is to make Him happy. To please Him. When I think of who I want to spend the rest of my life with, He is the first one who I think of. With no earthly commitment issues to get in the way.

I hope to someday fall in love again -in an earthly romance. Maybe even with Preston (we'll see). But that romance will always come second to God. To the one who I love more than anything, in heaven. Who loves me as I am, flaws and all. That is such an incredible feeling.

I am falling in love with God. (Not in a literally romantic sense, but you should know that by now.) More and more every day. Like a light inside of me, bursting forth- I want to shout it from the rooftops:

I love Him.

And He loves me, too.


Hell yeah.

Being a child of grace.

Yesterday w as an incredible day, for the most part. Every day I can look around and see the blessings God has bestowed on me, and i can see his hand in my life. The new people He introduces me to, the old people He brings back into my life. The tiny blessings that I sometimes overlook, like cellphones and internet -or hand-written letters. Or quiet time alone with myself and God, in a warm, sunny place.

It's kind of common-knowledge, I guess, but I'm a little behind the learning curve. I have found that the more I trust God, and the more faith I have in Him, the happier I am. I find that pressing into Him, and making myself wholly dependent on Him is really freeing, actually. I feel like I'm really learning what it means to "become like a child" in my faith.

When I was younger, I thought that it meant to have an unquestioning, straight forward, doubt-free faith. Because children are not burdened with the weight and doubt of the world. There is that, to a degree, but there is more.

Matthew 18:3-4 says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become more like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefor, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Children are innocent. But I don't think that's what God is saying when He asks us to become like children. He is saying, "become dependent on me. Let me carry your sorrows and your hurt and your fear. I will take it from you, and make you free." He is asking us to lean on Him in every way. Children are inept -at pretty much everything. They cannot do anything that really matters on their own. And, often times, when they do, they screw it up, big time.

We are like children still, only we need to really see that. Imagine a parent with a five-year old. That child is still almost completely dependent on his mother and father. But the child is always trying to do things on his own. Crossing the street, making breakfast, doing the dishes. Often times, the child gets hurt trying to do these things on his own.

We are the same way. We demonstrate the first half of our childlike nature by focusing too much on growing up and "standing on our own two feet" by saying "okay God, I'll take it from here." And still, God waits patiently for us to return again and again, until we finally realize that we can't do it alone.

"Children are our model," Brennan Manning says, "because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything, it can only be as a gift."

What we need to be, is like children. The second half of our childlike nature, is wholly dependent on our own divine parent. We cannot do it without Him. He wants to care for us, and nurture us. He wants to feed our hungry spirits help them grow and flourish into His own children. Children who come to Him with everything.

I am trying, very hard, not to screw that up, this time. In other words, whenever I want to go "fix things", I am sitting tight and unmoving, and praying my little human heart out. I feel so much freer, because of this. I love Him with all my heart. And I need Him. My hope is that I will, with His help, be able to overcome whatever is thrown my way. Because I know now that I cannot do it alone. And I am so tired of ignoring His lessons, just to satisfy my human desire to do it myself.

Albert Einstein said that insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." That is exactly what I have been doing, forever. Especially after Luke and I split up, eight months ago. I have a conversation with God, and, follow a similar protocol to Michelle's blog entry that I just linked. And I do this, over and over and over again, and, for some reason, I expect that maybe this time I will be able to "fix things" on my own. So I am really having to stop, sit down, shut up, and hand it over to my heavenly Father. Having to depend on Him to fix my life, and iron out the wrinkles that I, inevitably, put in the fabric of my life. To kiss my bruises and bandage my cuts and make it all better. I am having to become like a child.

I want to accept God's grace. Manning says, "acceptance means simply to turn to God."

"I mean simply that a living, loving God can and does make His presence felt, can and does speak to us in the silence of our hearts, can and does warm and caress us till we no longer doubt that He is near, that He is here."

If trusting God means giving my heart over to Him, and putting my life in His hands; then I think it is so very worth it, for the result of a relationship with endless, unconditional love and a God who will never leave, never let you down, and never make you walk alone.

The first steps.

3/3/09-
Reflection and Prayer.
A desire for God, above all else; and if I can still desire worldly things.
Trust, faith, love, courage, and other things I need to learn from God.


Today, I spent a lot of time deep in thought, trying to convince myself to not fall into that same vicious cycle that I always do. Control, or rather, the illusion of control, is something that I really struggle with giving up. I can't stand the idea that I may not be 100% in control of my destiny. The idea that there is something, even an all-loving God, who has control of my life, instead of me, is a very difficult thing to accept.

But I am learning, I hope. My desire to be with God, and have a relationship with Him is gradually overpowering my need and my desire, to have control. I can only hope and pray that it will continue to be that way and that I, in all my humanity, won't screw it up again.

Today is March 3.

Psalm 3 says:

"O Lord, how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
Many are saying of me
'God will not deliver [her].'

But you are a shield around me, O lord;
You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud,
And he answers me from his holy hill.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

From the Lord comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people."


Proverbs 3:3 says :

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart."

I don't know if this means "love" the emotion, or "Love" as in God. But if ever there were something I wanted to be completely faithful to, He is it. God. Love.

I am only human, though. And in that, I an innately imperfect. Even for a human being I am flawed. I am selfish, proud, easily discouraged and distracted. I judge, I fail, and I, often directly disobey God's directions to me, because I am under some delusion that I know better. But more than anything, I want to love Him, and be loved by Him.

Brennan Manning, in his book "The Raggamuffin Gospel" has this (and so much more) to say about God's grace, and his love:
"Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together. And who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace."

That short paragraph describes me in a nut shell. Spiritually, I am still a child. No matter how much I have grown or matured in the last eight months. I am still learning the basics of "trusting God" and "it is in His hands." I am still learning to hand my sorrows and troubles and fears over to God.

2 Timothy 1:7 says:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind."

I am stronger in God, than I will ever be on my own. All my grace, all my courage, my beauty, my charisma, my talent, my compassion, my bravery -it all comes from Him.

What Brennan Manning says reminds me that no matter how much I fuck up -and I do. Often. That God loves me. And wants to be with me. Even as I am now.

Tiffany told me, a couple of months ago, that I needed to let God show me what I needed from a relationship, and how I deserved to be treated. And how to love, and trust, and have faith, again. I need to learn that from Him, before I learn it anywhere else. Someday, I hope to have a healthy, loving, trusting, romantic relationship again -maybe even with Preston, if that's what God has in store for me. --And that's it, right there! "If that's what God has in store for me" !

Earth desires are fine. They just need to have their place (which I'm working on). I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until I have a healthy relationship with God. And that has to remain my priority. I sincerely pray that I don't hurt my relationship with God the way I hurt my other relationships.


On that note, I will end with prayers.

For myself- to grow, be stronger in my faith and in myself. To keep my eyes on God and to move forward.

For Luke- to grow, and learn, and be happy.

For Preston- to get his life straightened out, to find favor in the eyes of his professors and do well, to be content, and to be happy.

For Michelle- to keep growing and walking on the path that He has set out for her. And to be exceptionally happy; not just in worldly things, but in the Joy that He is with her.