My Calling.

I believe everyone is born with a purpose. Not necessarily a "destiny" per say -my believe in such a concept is still debatable; but a goal, a journey, or a passion, that they are supposed to pursue. Some people have art -painting, writing, song; some people have science, or mathematics, or other things. Some people are born to be protectors, to help, to heal, to defend. I am writing today, about my own purpose.

There are only a small handful of things in this world that I know to be true -that I believe are unshakable. One of those is the divine - you don't have to believe in a higher power for there to be one. Another, is gravity (duh). Another, is myself, and certain aspects of my life. If you're detecting arrogance in that sentence, then you're reading what I say, and not what I mean. I have no delusions; I know this body is inconstant, and I am well-aware that my life is in flux. There are, specifically, two things about myself that I know to be solid, and set. One; I am supposed to be a mother. Two; I am supposed to serve my Country in the Armed Forces.

That I believe these things, specifically the latter one; bothers people. For a lot of reasons: I'm young. I'm a woman. My ex is in the Military. I didn't always want to do it (yeah, because you still want to be a pop-star like you did when you were ten, too, right?). It's dangerous. I'm liberal. I'm too feminine. I just got out of a long-term relationship, six months ago. The list goes on.

This is my response to that list. Not a defense. Not a rebuttal. I cannot change people's minds. And I am not ashamed of my choice. This is, at a base line, me telling you why.


I am a strong person. In every way. Physically, I am strong -not world-class-wrestler-strong, but definitely above average. Mentally and emotionally I am strong, determined, and secure. I know who I am, and I make no decisions about my future without great forethought.

I love this Country. I want to serve and protect her. I want to work as a part of this Country and make it better. I want to fight so that each person who reads this entry and disagrees with what I say, is still free enough to express those opinions aloud. I have been a soldier, or a warrior, in one way or another, in every lifetime and I again feel called to do it.

That's another reason -I feel called to this. It feels right. I haven't felt so sure, and so right about a decision in my life in a very long time. God has given me the go-ahead; and I am taking it. This is my calling. There is a very big part of me -something on a primal, instinctual level, that knows that this is what I should be doing.

And most importantly -above passion, above patriotism, above divine providence; is the most important reason why: Happiness. The idea of doing this, the idea of serving my Country in the Armed Forces, the idea of devoting at least a part of my life to the Military makes me happy. I know what I want to do with my life, and I love it. Just that single fact makes me so happy I could stand and shout it from the rooftops (and would do, if people wouldn't think I was crazy). It makes me happy, and that is the most important part of all of this to me. I am called to do this, and I am so excited.

And I will do it. And be amazing. The military will be lucky to have me. I will do great things.

There are two truths that I will end this with:
First. To be perfectly honest, your opinion does matter to me, so please continue to be honest with me, even in regards to this decision.

Second. Regardless of what anyone says, I won't be changing my mind. This is who I am, and what I want to do, and I am proud of it.


"Some people live an entire lifetime
And wonder if they ever made a difference in the world.
Soldiers don't have that problem."

Five-hundred, twenty-five thousand, six-hundred minutes.

This past year was one of the worst years of my life, and at the same time, one of the most incredible ones.

I got my heart broken (again), by someone who swore they'd never break it (again).
I completely lost my sense of self.
I embodied almost everything I never wanted to be.

And then I found myself again (with the help of some amazing people).
I stood on my own two feet again.
I healed (still healing, really).

I learned so much about myself in the last year. I learned how much pain I can survive, and just how much strength I really have. I learned that faith, and trust, aren't feelings -they're choices. And forgiveness is, too. I learned that strength is so hard, and that it still hurts, but heartbreak helps make us who we are. I learned that the people I love have a lot more faith in me than I give them credit for. I learned that having a sense of spirituality, and some sort of belief, really does help. That it doesn't matter what you believe in, as long as you believe.

I learned that virtually nothing cheers me up like blasting the RENT soundtrack with the windows down on a meandering car ride.

I learned (am still learning) to put trust before fear.

I learned to pray.

I learned that some friendships are worth more than you realize, and that they're worth hanging on to through the storms.

I am a far better person than I give myself credit for. But I have the capacity to be so much more than that.


And in this new year, I will strive to be all that I can be. To love people without fear or reservations. To trust. To be compassionate, and strong, and reliable. To be honorable.