"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." --Dorothy Thompson

When I was a kid, my Mom used to tell me, whenever I'd be scared, or worried, "Worry is just God's way of telling you to pray." I used to resent this more than I can possibly describe, because I couldn't possibly imagine why a God who loved us would want us to be scared, or worried. I didn't understand that God knows us. He knows how we, as human beings, react to fear, or worry.

I know now, that worry and fear are not just things that are in my life as stumbling blocks, but as tools. For most of my life, I have been a classic example of the prodigal son -living my life the way that I pleased, and not caring about the consequences until it was too late. I have had many great things in the short span of my twenty years, and with almost all of those gifts, I took them for granted, and turned my back on God, in favor of those earthly things -including my gift of Foresight, and my gift of Empathy -two things that I placed ahead of God, along with my partners and friends.

While I firmly believe that your friends, family, lovers, teachers, and companions should be a big, and important part of your life, I have learned, over the years, that you can't place anything higher in your life than you place God. Your relationship with God (the Christian God, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, etc) -with your God, should be the first and foremost thing in your life. And God has showed me that over the course of my life, more times than I can count. When I felt abandoned by everything else in my life -my family, my friends, my lover, my job, even my computer; God was there, and He picked me up again, set me on my feet, and held my hand while I cried.

Never in my life before now, have I ever been comforted by typical Christian sayings like "Even if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for your sins," and "God loves you, just the way you are." But there are days when I spend almost every free moment questioning my worth, and feeling like I couldn't possibly be a decent human being. And out of the blue, I hear my own internal voice say "It doesn't matter what he thinks of you, because the Creator of the Universe thinks you're worth it." And while it doesn't make me feel one-hundred percent better, it helps on a level that it's never helped before.

I am at a place in my life right now that I never thought I would be at. All of my faiths are in balance, and comfortable. My Unitarian, Christian, and Pagan beliefs are all balanced and I no longer fear that my God will abandon me just because I am not a typical Christian. I pray regularly, -although sometimes not as often as I should- and I feel like my life is heading in an upwards direction, even when I am feeling down. But still I fear, and that's why I'm writing this today -to ponder; why am I afraid?

I am afraid for reasons involving trust. This will come as no surprise to anyone, I'm sure, but I have a hard time trusting people -myself included. I am afraid that I will make mistakes, and get in my own way. Even more than that, I am afraid that I am wrong about some of the decisions I have made, no matter how right they feel. And it is not only a matter of trusting myself, which is hard enough, but also a matter of trusting God to take care of me when I cannot, and to keep me from twisting my life into an ugly knot again.

Trust is a lesson subject that comes up in my life often, as it's something that I'm always having trouble with. It was a problem in my last relationship, and, while it's not as big of one, it remains a problem now, in my relationship with God. If you cannot completely trust the Creator of the Universe -who can you trust? So how do you put trust before fear?

I'm learning, slowly but surely. There isn't a formula, there aren't set steps to learning how to do it -or how to do anything, for that matter. Life doesn't work that way. The most important thing is your will to do it. If you want to do something bad enough, you will do it -no matter how scared your are, or what other things stand in your way. You will either do it, or you will try your damnedest to do it. And I'm learning that that's what I need to apply to my life to learn to put trust before fear. Not just in my relationship with God, but in my relationships, period.

I was praying, this evening, on my walk home from work, and I said "Lord, I feel like every time I decide to trust you, no matter how scared I am, something comes up again that scares me, and I have to do it one more time." And that's the key -just keep trying. I feel, sometimes, like I'm not getting anywhere, but I know that isn't true, I'm just moving in such small steps, and God is using each and every one of them to teach me a new lesson.

So I am learning, slowly but surely, to say "I am scared, but I'm trusting You to get me through this, and not let me fall."